The truth hurts, which means this is going to be a painful review. The problem with the truth is that it doesn’t always tell us what we want to hear, but it does tell us what we need to hear. We don’t want to hear that we can’t do whatever we like without consequence, but we need to hear that walking in front of an oncoming bus is deadly at worst and extremely painful at best.

Some of you probably don’t want to hear that the philosophy of The Golden Compass is circular and confusing at best and just down right dumb at worst, but you need to hear that buying into its philosophy is very dangerous at worst and may lower your intelligence quotient at best. You also probably don’t want to hear that The Golden Compass really isn’t all that good of a movie, but you need to hear it because I’m saving you a precious few dollars during the holiday season. So the truth hurts, and I’m sure some will find the truth about The Golden Compass to be very painful indeed. But hey, ignorance is bliss, so you could always choose not to read this review.

The truth is The Golden Compass is yet another in a long line of films, including Chronicles of Narnia, that have tried to recapture the glory and magic of the epic and powerful Lord of the Rings. Like all of its predecessors, The Golden Compass falls far short. In fact, compared to the film versions of Tolkien’s work, this movie is a muddled mess; but it’s not a total loss. The last forty-five minutes or so—about the time the excellent Sam Elliot doing Lonesome Dove In The Arctic shows up along with Sir Ian McKellen as a giant polar bear—are actually pretty cool and even epic. Just around the time the movie ended was when I was just starting to have a good time. The rest of the movie is a tangled knot that tries to strike a balance between the epicness of The Lord of the Rings with its huge world, deep history, and many different races, the mysticism and cool factor of Star Wars, and the action and explosions of James Bond (hey, Daniel Craig does have a small role in the movie). Unfortunately, all of the disparate elements don’t really mesh very well, so most of the movie isn’t easy to follow and quite frankly isn’t all that interesting. That’s probably not what you wanted to hear, but you need to know exactly what you’re in for should you decide to actually go see this movie.

There’s been a lot of concern about the theme and message of this movie, and if it will retain the vehemently anti-Christian, anti-church offense of the books. New Line has assured people, as has the director Chris Weitz, that those elements have been scrubbed because they want the film to be a success and entertaining to everyone. Well, the truth is those elements aren’t completely absent. For the most part people probably won’t notice, but anybody who pays close attention will be able to determine exactly what this material thinks about Christianity. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on what side you’re on), the attacks and arguments against Christianity and the church are more circular than a merry-go-round—i.e., they won’t take you anywhere and will just make you dizzy—and they hold about as much water as a leaky sieve. I think that’s what upset me the most: not that it’s a blatant attack on my beliefs, but that it doesn’t even bother to try to be reasonable or intelligent assault on my beliefs as a Christian.

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