Things You Learn From the Movies:

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English

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From the Original Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds and Shelley
Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who
plays Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the
question.

Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time,
your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible
for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly
believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two
occasions. What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.

Peter Marshall: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you
should be at least how high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.

Peter Marshall: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are
you probably a man or a woman?
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to
cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.

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Bumper Stickers

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside
Down, On A Jeep]

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also
Timed For 70 mph.

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman
Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

Boldly Going Nowhere

Cat: The Other White Meat

Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He
Is Lost?

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!

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Burning Questions:

If beauty is only skin deep, how can some people be described
as having an inner beauty?

Can you trust a thin chef?

Why are people overwhelmed but never just whelmed?

Why don't you brush your teeth with a teethbrush?

How come, if a doctor makes a mistake and his patient dies, it is
God's Will, but when a hairdresser makes a mistake, everybody
wants to sue him?

Why are flamingo's pink and their knees on backwards?

Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?

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Translating Men's Secret Language

1. I'M GOING FISHING: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid, and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish
swim by in complete safety."

2. IT'S A GUY THING: "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it
logical."

3. CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?: "Why isn't it already on the
table?"

4. UH HUH, SURE, HONEY, or alternately, YES, DEAR:
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

5. IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN: "I have no idea
how it works."

6. I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE
THINGS ON MY MIND: "I was wondering if that red-head over
there is wearing a bra."

7. TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD: "I
can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

8. THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR: "Are you still talking?"

9. YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS: "I remember the
theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed,
and the vehicle identification Numbers of every car I've ever
owned, but I forgot your birthday."

10. I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU
THESE ROSES: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real
babe."

11. OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG
DEAL: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit that I'm hurt."

12. HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING: "And
I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

13. I CAN'T FIND IT: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless."

14. WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?: "What did you catch me at?"

15. I HEARD YOU: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just
said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough
so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

16. YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE: "I am
used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

17. YOU LOOK TERRIFIC: "Oh, God, please don't try on one
more outfit, I'm starving."

18. I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE: "No
one will ever see us alive again."

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Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Horror Movie

10. Terrifying zombie looks suspiciously like Keith Richards

9. Killer keeps saying, "I know what you had for lunch."

8. When the dead guy's hand reaches up from the grave, all it wants is a "high-five"

7. Instead of a hockey mask, killer wears really frightening sombrero

6. Joe Pesci plays an undead mob boss "Whack-ula"

5. Plot involves guy with allergies stuck on an island inhabited by fluffy kitties

4. Victims keep screaming, "Please kill me -- this movie sucks."

3. Biggest scream comes when movie-goers hear the price of a large popcorn

2. You've seen more blood during a haircut at Supercuts

1. It's just like "Scream", without all the really scary crap

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Next time you think you're having a bad day recall that:

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the capper.......

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Here's hoping your day was better than any of these.

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a Cal pharmacologist developed a suppository. The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame. Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove. FIVE people have jobs worse than yours! Now stop complaining and get back to work! ;-)

-Thanks to Gwen Elferdink 2-26-99
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TOURIST QUESTIONS

These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the country. (Excerpted from Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121. )

Grand Canyon National Park
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
Is the mule train air conditioned?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park:
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?

Yellowstone National Park
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

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A KID'S PRAYER.

A mother was teaching her three-year-old the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word . . . right up to the end.

"Lead us not into temptation but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."

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THE AMAZING NEVER LIST

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier.
-Anonymous

Never accept a drink from a urologist. --Erma Bombeck

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial. --Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam"

Never say "Oops" in the operating room. --Dr. Leo Troy

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. --Dan Zevin

Never kick a fresh cow pie on a hot day. --Harry S. Truman

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's 16-year-old daughter on your lap. --Anonymous member of a chain
gang

Never use while sleeping. --Instruction on Conair hair dryer

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!" --Rita Rudner

Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. --Woodrow Wilson

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the
room.--Winston Churchill

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. --John Peers

Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. --American
adage about newspaper editors.

Never ruin an apology with an excuse. --Kimberly Johnson

Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, if he doesn't like what you have to say, it'll be OK because you'll be a mile way
and you'll have his shoes.

Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
--Hanlon's Razor

Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. --Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb

Never eat more than you can lift. --Miss Piggy

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
--Sam Brown, The Washington Post

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
--Salvor Hardin

Never try to out-stubborn a cat. --Lazarus Long

Never argue with a fool. He may be doing the same thing.

Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked "petite"
and hold on to the receipt.

Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, they don't hurt anybody. When they do something is when they
become dangerous.

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