Do you want to know... what... it... is?

My son was baptized tonight. He wanted me to be there. I hadn't been to that Church for some time now - since the divorce. My ex-husband was there with his fiancé. I asked my daughter if she thought her Dad would prefer it if I sat near him or away. After a shy moment, she said, “Away.� I told her that she could sit with him if she wanted, that it would be fine with me. She said she didn’t. My son came to sit with me too. It was one of those events where you have to get all the politics in order, so that everyone would be reasonably comfortable. It took a while for people to recognize me now that I’ve lost weight and I look different. Really different! Some people didn’t even say hello. But dear Doris sat with me and told me she missed me and loved me. That was sweet.

Last week my son told me he was getting baptized and wanted me to be there. Being the religious freak of the family, I panicked. He’s 12! I want my kids to see all the meaning in it! How can you comprehend all the meaning at 12? I fretted all weekend trying to think of a good way to tell him about the depths of this weird Christian symbol. I even used a movie to do it. My favorite. The Matrix. I showed him the portion from Neo meeting Morpheus for the first time to being born from the pod and then up to the point where he’s back in the Construct and he wants out. I then turned it off and I said that it’s like that. You are going to begin a process that you can never reverse. You can never go back, and forward is filled with things that will challenge everything you are. It’s more than just belonging, it’s a deep commitment. Like getting married or joining the army.

“That’s scary.� He said. “Yeah.� I said, and I pondered what was happening. He’s 12, I thought to myself. He’s not going to get it. So I chilled out and told him that over the years, it will come to mean more to him. That he can only see a little of it right now. That the Christian Life will always open up to be more and more.

I had all week to think about what a dork I was over it. I am terrible at this sort of thing. My son had told me that he wanted to be something. After I told him that he was valuable just as he was and that God loved him very much, he corrected me and told me that what he meant was that he wanted to be a something as opposed to not something. Like some people are French, some people aren’t. Then he tried his hand at an analogy to make me understand and goofed it up and made a joke instead. I laughed. But I got it finally, and smiled. I said, “It’s about belonging.� “Now you’re getting it.� He said. He’s 12. And belonging is what is important right now. He’s right on schedule. In my gut, I knew that Jesus took whatever people had to offer at whatever stage of development that they were at – and it was precious to Him. I kept hearing that verse in my head that says, “Let the children come to me, and don’t forbid them...�

When the Pastor talked about Baptism tonight, he said it was like holding a press conference. That it was just telling everyone who would listen about the decision you make to put your faith in Jesus. I squirmed in the pew, knowing that a 12 year old cannot possibly understand what putting faith in something really means.

Tonight after dinner, my ex-husband called and asked me if that was pretty cool. We chatted for a minute or two and we agreed that we had both been worried about him not understanding well enough. But then agreed that it was going to be okay. I told him that learning about belonging is what our son should be doing right now and that he was doing so well at it mainly because of having 4 new brothers. My husband’s fiancé has 4 sons of various ages. I told him that they have shown him what it means to be his age and gender and just how large a range of character and personality is possible for him. And that he also saw from his Dad what was possible for being a boy, since his Dad was going through it with him to some extent. I told him that I knew that boys were an issue for him and so it was full of meaning...

My heart filled. I knew that love was good and that it was good that my ex-husband loved and was being loved in return and that he was happy. It was making my son happy. It was helping my daughter be happy. I wanted everything to be okay. I wanted the years of hurting to be over. Please, God, can’t they finally be over? Can’t we be happy now? He couldn’t say anything and ended the conversation quickly. I don’t know if he can understand it. It is hard to understand how something nice can come out of something so destroyed.

When I opened up one of my bibles yesterday, I found a piece of poetry in it that he had written to me. So much pain... and longing for it to end... and for restoration... I think it will end. And we will be restored in a way that will be better for everyone. And I think it’s going to be okay eventually.

My son has a gift. It is that he is a bridge. People stop fighting when he is around. It’s hard to see it when his sister is around... but that’s just because she’s the sister. Eventually she’ll see it too. He was initiated into the Tribe tonight. And now the Tribe has another reason to feel more connected and meaningful. Because of my son. I was so caught up in trivializing what it meant for my son to belong to the Tribe, that I forgot about what an honor it is for the Tribe to have my son. Hearts will fill. Love will flow again and people will feel happy.