The Wave
I hate the media.
I feel so provoked when they do things like this. I get really nasty when I get this provoked. I cuss. I think things like, "They should all be lined up and have 'SOCIAL DISEASE' branded on their foreheads." Sometimes I say these things out loud. I'm not proud, I'm just practicing self-judgment so that others don't have to do it for me.
I should know better than to write when I'm so provoked. I should have to go through a mandatory waiting period before brandishing this weapon. And so I have. It's been over 24 hours since I read the blurb on Jason Clark. I feel as if I have calmed down a bit. I read the Archbishop's article in full, N.T. Wright's as well, and all the comments in Jason's Blog. I believe that I am now ready to begin to say something worth reading instead of just disjointed and inferior yet witty versions of what the Big Boys have already said. I feel purged now.
The Earthquake and Wave in Asia has been haunting me ever since my boyfriend told me about it and I considered my Name and mascot Hokusai picture. I felt fear and shame and anxiety about it. My voice. Where is my voice? I feel as if my Name has killed millions of people. Silly, I know. But since there is so much meaning for me in my Name, I feel an intense connection to the actual thing itself. My Name has not degenerated into a complete simulation yet. So while I am hurting about this, I am also relieved to know that there is still alot of meaning in the world.
There is immeasurable amounts of pressure on Religious people to make explanatory and/or comforting noises at times like this. All eyes turn upon us, shooting daggers of accusation and awaiting the cue to pounce upon our inadequate efforts. No one can say anything good enough. There is no right thing to say. I've been to funerals where one persons comforting thought is another person's crushingly oppressive thought. It just doesn't matter what you say, deep Grief is by nature inconsolable.
The human being expects satisfaction from a God at times of crushing loss. Why? Is it the inescapable sense of injustice that makes us seek the final source of Justice? "No one else will make someone pay for this, I have to appeal to a Higher Court!" And since there really is no one to blame, then the Judge should pay. I've seen this kind of dynamic happen in famous court cases. The victim rages at the Judge when Justice fails to follow through with satisfaction.
What is satisfaction? Really. It doesn't matter when one's emotions are ramming through your chest seeking to bludgeon something, someone. Emotions cannot consider these reasoning thoughts.
Why? What is this drive, this instinct? If there is no Justice, why do we seek it with such primitive force? Do animals do this? After the cubs are killed, the urge to protect dissolves into simple sorrow. But they don't go running to Mufasa to get him to make someone pay. They just get over it.
I'm sure there are several undergrads working on this problem in their evolutionary anthropology labs right now, so expect their postulations to be published at a later date. They will probably begin by saying something like, "Scientists have discovered..." If they wear white coats, we will believe them.
But will we be satisfied? Are those two things the same? Belief and satisfaction?
Personally, I believe in Demons. I believe in the Prince of Demons. And I believe that he is ultimately responsible for the origins of destruction and suffering. People don't like this idea very much, though. It delays gratification. It spiritualizes it and disassociates it for some, when what they really want is a concrete enemy. But I believe that's his trick. He is better off staying out of the realm of the visual and the physical because it keeps our wrath directed upon each other, which has been his plan all along. So like the bullfighter, he dodges our horns by providing us with a decoy. He taunts us and mocks our primitive drive for vengeance and shows us pictures of one another or of God. That's his M.O. And so we rage.
But this is just more explanatory noises coming from a Religious person. It does not satisfy. In all honesty, I believe that satisfaction will not come in this life. Not real satisfaction. The satisfaction that our guts tell us exists somewhere. We want it now. And it will not come.
Along with Mr. Williams and Mr. Wright and other wise Believers, I will hold a space open for inconsolable Grief. I will fight for our right to suffer. I will not attempt to close it down with explanations or minimizing or denial or platitudes or hostility or defensiveness or any of the other things which people do to resist this all consuming Wave of Rage and it's irresistible undertow of Survivor's Guilt which takes the rest of us who were left behind.
My next review will be "A Series of Unfortunate Events". Go figure.
I feel so provoked when they do things like this. I get really nasty when I get this provoked. I cuss. I think things like, "They should all be lined up and have 'SOCIAL DISEASE' branded on their foreheads." Sometimes I say these things out loud. I'm not proud, I'm just practicing self-judgment so that others don't have to do it for me.
I should know better than to write when I'm so provoked. I should have to go through a mandatory waiting period before brandishing this weapon. And so I have. It's been over 24 hours since I read the blurb on Jason Clark. I feel as if I have calmed down a bit. I read the Archbishop's article in full, N.T. Wright's as well, and all the comments in Jason's Blog. I believe that I am now ready to begin to say something worth reading instead of just disjointed and inferior yet witty versions of what the Big Boys have already said. I feel purged now.
The Earthquake and Wave in Asia has been haunting me ever since my boyfriend told me about it and I considered my Name and mascot Hokusai picture. I felt fear and shame and anxiety about it. My voice. Where is my voice? I feel as if my Name has killed millions of people. Silly, I know. But since there is so much meaning for me in my Name, I feel an intense connection to the actual thing itself. My Name has not degenerated into a complete simulation yet. So while I am hurting about this, I am also relieved to know that there is still alot of meaning in the world.
There is immeasurable amounts of pressure on Religious people to make explanatory and/or comforting noises at times like this. All eyes turn upon us, shooting daggers of accusation and awaiting the cue to pounce upon our inadequate efforts. No one can say anything good enough. There is no right thing to say. I've been to funerals where one persons comforting thought is another person's crushingly oppressive thought. It just doesn't matter what you say, deep Grief is by nature inconsolable.
The human being expects satisfaction from a God at times of crushing loss. Why? Is it the inescapable sense of injustice that makes us seek the final source of Justice? "No one else will make someone pay for this, I have to appeal to a Higher Court!" And since there really is no one to blame, then the Judge should pay. I've seen this kind of dynamic happen in famous court cases. The victim rages at the Judge when Justice fails to follow through with satisfaction.
What is satisfaction? Really. It doesn't matter when one's emotions are ramming through your chest seeking to bludgeon something, someone. Emotions cannot consider these reasoning thoughts.
Why? What is this drive, this instinct? If there is no Justice, why do we seek it with such primitive force? Do animals do this? After the cubs are killed, the urge to protect dissolves into simple sorrow. But they don't go running to Mufasa to get him to make someone pay. They just get over it.
I'm sure there are several undergrads working on this problem in their evolutionary anthropology labs right now, so expect their postulations to be published at a later date. They will probably begin by saying something like, "Scientists have discovered..." If they wear white coats, we will believe them.
But will we be satisfied? Are those two things the same? Belief and satisfaction?
Personally, I believe in Demons. I believe in the Prince of Demons. And I believe that he is ultimately responsible for the origins of destruction and suffering. People don't like this idea very much, though. It delays gratification. It spiritualizes it and disassociates it for some, when what they really want is a concrete enemy. But I believe that's his trick. He is better off staying out of the realm of the visual and the physical because it keeps our wrath directed upon each other, which has been his plan all along. So like the bullfighter, he dodges our horns by providing us with a decoy. He taunts us and mocks our primitive drive for vengeance and shows us pictures of one another or of God. That's his M.O. And so we rage.
But this is just more explanatory noises coming from a Religious person. It does not satisfy. In all honesty, I believe that satisfaction will not come in this life. Not real satisfaction. The satisfaction that our guts tell us exists somewhere. We want it now. And it will not come.
Along with Mr. Williams and Mr. Wright and other wise Believers, I will hold a space open for inconsolable Grief. I will fight for our right to suffer. I will not attempt to close it down with explanations or minimizing or denial or platitudes or hostility or defensiveness or any of the other things which people do to resist this all consuming Wave of Rage and it's irresistible undertow of Survivor's Guilt which takes the rest of us who were left behind.
My next review will be "A Series of Unfortunate Events". Go figure.
2 Comments:
Hi there
Came across your blog via Jason Clarke's. I was interested in the comment you left there, and found what you have written here thought provoking. I have left a response to your comment on Jason's blog. I'll be book marking your blog and coming back to have a browse through your archives when I have time to read them properly.
I find this post you wrote particularly interesting as it echoes, in parts, a bit of what I have been thinking and wondering. I had written a couple of blogs about my own fear and perception of God, based a lot on how we expect God to be a 'make it all better' pill, and then get angry when He isn't, but the Tsunami struck before I posted them, so I have kept them for another day because I didn't want them to seem like some glib attempt to explain away the horror that swept across SE Asia. I'll post them some time.
Anyway, glad to have found your blog.
Cheers
Andy
Hi, Andy.
You share the name of one of my biggest heroes. Bless you. I am so honored to have been included in Jason's viral gang and am deeply touched to hear that you've bookmarked me. Dang. I made squeeking sounds that only dolphins can hear when I read that. Embarassing.
Anyway. What rotten timing on your blogs about our disgruntings with God! Sometimes I feel guilty because I write about suffering while I do little to help those who are actually living it. Or at least it seems as if I do little. But in reality, I think it is one of humanity's most noble traits to pull back and contemplate what is happening to it. I'm thinking of Gilgamesh as I say this. Our ability to contain experience with mental, emotional and instinctive content, discern patterns, learn and grow is truly amazing.
I got the Ultimate Matrix dvd collection over the holidays and I've got "the science behind the Matrix" stuff playing in the back of my head right now. I'm one of those sick kooks who thinks about thinking. And sometimes I think about thinking about thinking. Freak! But humanity needs us. We are doing something to help. The next time tragedy strikes people will be a little less likely to say and do stupid things (provided the media doesn't get in there and stir the crap just to draw hits) because of what we're doing. Your ponderings are needed, even though our Survivor's Guilt tells us differently.
God, bless you.
Whitewave
Post a Comment
<< Home