Episode 4: "My Heart Belongs to Daddy"

What makes a good parent? If you have kids, you have asked yourself this question a thousand times over and probably can’t come up with at sufficient answer.

This episode discusses the roles of fathers, but the plot also follows the women’s struggles with parenting. I’ll never forget the episode last season when Lynette had a total breakdown and sat under a tree crying. I have been there. I have melted down, screaming on the inside, “I have no idea what I’m doing! I’m not equipped for this! Who am I that I should manage and mold this child’s future? I’m going to destroy her completely if I don’t learn something quick.� I still have those breakdowns, and I know that women everywhere have the same conflicts stirring in their souls, even if they don’t readily admit it to themselves.

The good news is that God gives us a fine example of how to lovingly parent our children. He is called our Heavenly Father for a reason. His actions throughout the Bible prove that he is the ultimate authority on caring for every type of child in every stage of life – the stubborn hearted, the pliable, those who have suffered injustice at the hands of others, wayward children, those easily deceived, the highly charged, talented ones whose creativity requires special attention. You name it, he’s dealt with them. After all, he is the caretaker of every one of us. Let’s look at some of the attributes of God as seen in the mothers and fathers this week.

Lynette
Lynette battles the difficulty of being unable to attend Parker’s first day of school. She loves him, but cannot physically be there for him. In her absence, he creates a make-believe nanny, Mrs. Mulberry. When Lynette realizes the trauma that she has caused Parker, she crumbles. Her heart is just not able to bear the thought of him replacing her with an insubstantial being. This is much like our relationship with God. How does it break God’s heart when we try to fill our lives with empty, insubstantial elements? We often try to give our lives meaning and draw life from things like sex, addictions, work, success, fame, power, kids and lovers. But each of these things is insufficient to fill the gap. What does God do then? Just what Lynette did – He reminds us of his love, even though like Parker, we sometimes reject it. “I have loved you with an everlasting love…� (Jer. 31:3). “See I have engraved you on the palms of my hands…� (Isa. 49:16). He not only communicates his love for us through scripture, he also smashes the competition. It isn’t until we come face to face with the emptiness of these inept pursuits that we see God. Though we may complain about the times when he takes everything from us, we must admit that we see him more clearly without the clutter.

Gabrielle and Carlos
Gabrielle carefully chooses who will be in her unborn baby’s life. She must choose between John and Carlos, considering what the future of her child will be like. Her utmost desire is that the child be well cared for, and sometimes her perception of what is best for the baby changes. It’s a good thing that God does not waiver in his consideration of what and whom he allows in our lives. Some of you will shudder at this statement because you have suffered injustice at the hands of an abuser or a deceiver. And yet, God does not waste anything. Ecclesiastes 7:14 says, “When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other.� Does God allow suffering in our lives for nothing? Or does he use it to someone else’s advantage? If we will be open to healing, God will use these injustices to bless many others over the course of our lives. Jesus said, “Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.� (John 12:24). He himself was willing to die in order to alter the lives of those who would come after him. Are we better than Christ that we will not die also, and be raised up to share the love of God?

Susan and Mike
Mike is searching for his lost son. Though Zach doesn’t know that Mike is his dad, Mike searches anyway. In the parable of the lost sheep, Jesus explains that a good shepherd will leave 99 sheep in an open field to go find just one that is lost (Luke 15:4-7). Susan sends Zach to Utah and speaks with double meaning when she says, “…you should go to him [Paul]. He’ll want to take care of you.� Her heart is thinking of Julie’s safety. Both of these parents have one goal in mind – protection. They want to protect their children in whatever way they can, and God has the same heart for us. “As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds his people…� (Psalm 125:2). Does that jive with the idea above that he allows trouble in our lives? Absolutely. Protection does not mean isolation from all things human. Humanity is sinful, and unless we depart this world, we will suffer at the hands of those who do not care for us. Still, there is protection in that God only allows into our lives what will benefit us and others somewhere down the road. He does not waste anything.

Bree
Bree stands as an advocate when no one else will stand for the kids in her life. When George tries to punish Andrew for his lewd talk without explaining what happened, her first reaction is to demand a reason. There must be just cause and not an empty accusation. Revelation 12:9-10 describes Satan as one who accuses men before God day and night. Later, when Gabrielle refers to Zach as a freak, Bree is the only one who stands up for him. She argues that Zach is the child of Mary Alice who grew up in their backyards. Like Bree, Christ stands as our ultimate advocate, discerning truth from empty accusation. “For there is one God and one mediator (advocate) between God and men, the man Christ Jesus� (1 Tim. 2:5). Christ’s work on the cross crushes the accusations of the enemy. No argument will stand against a person who has placed his or her trust in Christ. Not only is Christ the lawyer, he’s the judge.

These characters barely scratch the surface of the many ways that God models great parenting skills. There is so much more to learn, and he will teach us if we will seek the scriptures. He will also give us the strength to carry out the things we know to do. And for all you parents out there, remember that God will fill in the gaps. Wherever we fail, he will step up and parent our children for us. We can only do our best in the places we are in our lives. No amount of tweaking and refining will make us perfect parents, or our children perfect children. Just remember that his strength is made perfect in our weakness and his grace is sufficient for us.

And, if you haven't checked it out yet, please read the Message to Mom's of Toddlers (if you have toddlers, of course!).

Message to Moms of Toddlers

Hi ladies,

I realize this has little to do with film, but I have been writing a lot about kids in my recent reviews (Desperate Housewives; Yours, Mine and Ours; and Super Nanny). As I've been writing, I've been thinking about all the women out there struggling, like me, with toddlers who push the very limits of everything we once thought admirable about ourselves. And I wanted to encourage you ladies with a few thoughts.

First, don't underestimate this time in your life. It is truly difficult, and anyone who thinks otherwise simply hasn't walked in your shoes. And if they have walked in your shoes, they're idealizing their past experiences. I am frequently told, "Enjoy them while you can, these are the best years! And they grow up so fast!" For a long time, that kind of talk sent me away guilt-ridden and sulking under the condemnation of being a bad parent. How am I really supposed to enjoy these years? I mean, come on! I've got a newborn who relies on me for every basic body function known to mankind, and a toddler who wants to push each rule (regardles of how established it is) to its very limit - just to see if I'll enforce it. Am I supposed to enjoy the screaming, whining, and backtalking of a three year old? Am I supposed to cherish my infant's perpetual crying until I discover whether it's the diaper or the new tooth that's the problem? Not necessarily. I seem to to enjoy MOMENTS of my day, but rarely the whole thing. And now that I realize that, it's okay. I am being a good parent. And so are you. If you can enjoy the few golden moments that this age offers, you are a good parent.

Second, most toddlers' bad behavior is age-appropriate. Although it's extremely frustrating to deal with on a daily basis, the tantrums, button-pushing, and outright defiance are just things that two and three year olds do. Have you ever noticed that shows like Super Nanny never work with kids under 3, and rarely under 4? There's a reason for that! Kids age 2 and 3 just aren't "fixable" in a week. They are able to receive training, and I highly recommend it to improve the 4's and 5's, but there' s no magic technique to get them through this phase earlier. All of my friends had kids about the same time I did, and one thing I repeat as often as I can is, "Whatever you're doing, you're probably doing fine." We all know discipline is a killer - How do I do it? When do I do it? Am I doing it wrong? But it seems to be true that kids only care about the boundaries themselves. Some parents use time out, some spank, some teach through...whatever. The truth is, if you've made some rules and are enforcing them, you're doing a fine job. Just because the kids aren't learning or obeying every time, you're still doing all you can do for this age. It's AGE-APPROPRIATE for us to have to repeat ourselves a thousand times, to discipline for the same offense over and over again, and to wonder at some point if they have any long-term memory at all. It's okay. Let the condemnation go. Just make some rules and enforce them. You can make more later. You're doing fine.

Third, there's light at the end of the tunnel. How many people say, "The five's and six's were a killer! My kids were horrible at those ages!" It's rare. Truth is, the terrible two's and terrible three's are a phase of life. They're named that for a reason. They're kinda like the teenage years. Everyone accepts that teenagers are rebellious, mindful, and seeking their own independence. The same is true of two year olds. And like teenagers, they secretly want the boundaries. On the surface, they'll tell you differently because it's the stage of life they're in. But it's just a stage. It will pass. They will learn and they will stop testing the boundaries...for a while. I hear it comes in waves. But before the next wave comes, we will get a break. And the work we do now will pay off in the long run. It's hard to think long term, but it's worthwhile if it helps us make it another day.

Fourth, give yourself a pat on the back for something every day. There is so much guilt and condemnation that comes with child-rearing today. In truth, very few new parents have been trained on how to raise kids. Some (very few) have been taught first hand through the great example of their parents, but the vast majority of folks learn about child-rearing and child-training through books. How crazy is that? Who has time to read? Most days, it seems like we fly by the seats of our pants. Once we have kids, it's practically too late to do any in-depth study. So, as one of those people who never took time to learn about kids until they were in my house, I want to remind you to cut yourself some slack. Research what you can when you can. Read a magazine article in the doctor's office. Ask a friend who has kids older than yours. But for heaven's sake, give yourself a pat on the back for trying. If today we can believe that we've been good moms for any reason at all, then we'll keep working on it tomorrow. And tomorrow will be better than today.

Fifth, God gave your kids to you for a reason. I hear women comparing themselves all day long. "Well, Susie is good at keeping a clean house," or "Brenda is so creative with her kids--they're always doing something original," or "Anne is such a great cook--her kids know how to bake anything. " Forget it. Just forget it. God gave us our kids for a reason. Our kids are supposed to learn that special thing that we do well. If we have a special talent, that's what our kids are supposed to grow up with. People put too high a value on doing everything well, and no one can measure up. Did you ever think that the world's greatest atheletes probably had atheletic parents? Or perhaps the great business people and industrial leaders had financially responsible parents? We've got to be content with being who we are. We are exactly the people our kids need in their lives.

Last, everything is reparable. If I've learned anything at all, it's that kids respond to us. So I haven't been consistent in my discipline, change it. So I haven't read enough to my kids, do it now. So I accidentally yelled at my daughter at the end of a terrible day, apologize. Kids are the most accepting, loving, unjaded people in the world. If somewhere in your childrearing, you think you've done one thing really wrong, change it. There's still time. It's never too late to love our kids more, teach them something new, or repair broken hearts. All we have to do is make the change. They are responders, and if we make the change permanent, they will rarely remember the ways we did it wrong. And if they do remember, they will be more forgiving than we can ever imagine. Kids want to forgive. They want to love and be loved in return.

Hang in there ladies. Toddler years are not for the weak. And if you have another great piece of encouragement, please post it. I like to hear things too! I've been told these are the roughest years of a woman's life and some days, it certainly feels like it. But I am not alone. And neither are you. We have each other and we have God - the creator of the universe, the designer of our childrens' souls, and the lover of us all.

Episode 3: "You'll Never Get Away from Me"

It is a very powerful thing, and it can turn the tide of an entire life:

Deception.

In the opening scene of this week’s episode, three little girls throw a tea party, one that occurs weekly. They bring the resources they have at their disposal: tea, friends, and dress up clothes. As they play at being tiny adults, the camera carries us to the other households on Wisteria Lane where people are playing pretend. Each woman pretends her life is something slightly different than it actually is. While we cannot blame them for willingly being deceived at times (after all, don’t we do the same thing?), this episode shows us how compromising the truth can take us places we don’t want to go.

Lynette struggles to find a balance between work and home. There's nothing wrong with that in itself. After all, men and women struggle with those issues on a daily basis. Lynette wants to be there for Parker’s first day of school, but work gets in the way. She pulls it off using her innovative skills and the teleconferencing system. The only problem is that she has to lie about what she’s doing, spill coffee on her boss during a board meeting, and sneak around using company equipment. While it’s actually kinda funny to watch, the bottom line is that her character is compromised. Her actions give her something else to hide. Lynette is moving farther and farther away from freedom. (One thing I do love about Lynette is that she has great intentions, but all the wrong ways of executing them!)

When Bree finds out she’s under investigation for Rex’s murder, she has nothing to hide. She didn’t kill him after all. But during a polygraph test, the results spike when she says she has no feelings for George. At that moment she discovers a secret lurking within. Surely this revelation will take Bree in another direction, towards George, who incidentally has a bigger secret. He did kill Rex. When he takes the polygraph test, he tells a half-truth: that he did not poison Rex. Mary Alice’s words voice over, “We start by deceiving ourselves…� Indeed George deceives himself. While he may not have administered strychnine to Rex, the vitamins he administered in the place of Rex’s medications did cause his death. Mary Alice continues, “And if we can convince others, we win.� I suspect that in the next episode the investigation will be called off and Bree and George will be left to work out their new relationship. The question in this story is, what difference would the truth make? This deception is going to take Bree somewhere she would never go if the truth were plain.

On a much more subtle level, Gabrielle is deceived by her affair. To be accurate, she began the whole thing completely aware of how insignificant her and John’s relationship was. She told him repeatedly that he was just a toy, an insignificant sex object. However, somewhere along the line (perhaps the rose episode), Gabrielle begins to believe that John loves her. It is that belief that almost drives her to divorce Carlos. Now that relationship (hers and Carlos’s) has its own problems, but the deception would certainly have led her to divorce had she not caught John with another woman this week. Over time, many friends of mine who’ve had affairs have told me the same thing. “I was so deceived. If I had known what a sham that relationship was, I would never have gotten involved.� But can we blame them?

We all believe lies at different stages in our lives. The frightening thing is that if we believe them long enough, we don’t win. Our lives are turned, often irreparably, in a direction we don’t wish to go. In many cases, the truth is plain to us, but we don’t want to see it.

We don’t want to give up our dreams or our standards of living.
What are those standards anyway? Missing important events in our loved ones' lives and diminishing our own character? Lynette will most certainly continue to struggle at this job.

We don’t want to pay the price for our wrongs.
Won't we have to pay in one way or another, even if the truth doesn’t come out? How will George and Bree pay?

We don’t want to do the hard work to make things right.
Gabrielle and Carlos have a long road ahead. But what’s the alternative? More lies, hateful words and hurt feelings?

We don’t want to shatter our illusions.
When they’re gone, where will we be? Who will we be? Will we have the strength to move on?

The difficulty of deception is that the short term benefits are pretty good. We have one more day to live life the way we’re used to living it. We have one more day to stay on the thrill ride. We have one more day to work toward our predefined (sometimes outdated) goals. Jesus said of the devil, “He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies� (John 8:44). Isn't it interesting how Jesus used murderer and liar conjointly to describe the devil? Why is this? Because the devil can kill our souls by deceiving us. He can destroy our lives with those tiny indulgent lies we are willing to hold fast to. By engaging in self-deception, we let him take us places we wouldn't ordinarily go.

Several chapters later, Jesus said of himself, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.� (John 14:6). Notice that instead of murder and lies, he uses life and truth together to describe himself. Christ offers us not only himself, but also a life characterized by truth. He talks of gaining spiritual treasures instead of worldly treasures (Matt.6:19-20). He challenges us to set aside our deceptions and participate in things that truly fill our souls (John 4:13-14, Isaiah 55:1-3, Matt. 16:26). By participating in truth, we will find life.

It's a very difficult thing to admit we have allowed ourselves to be deceived. It's even harder to admit we have deceived others for our own gain. But look at the effect of Gabrielle's earnest apology. It becomes a new foundation on which the two can build. The fantastic thing about this series is that it is so realistic! Maybe Carlos will struggle with fully forgiving her in future episodes, and perhaps they will grapple through the resentment of infidelity like Bree and Rex did. But for today, Carlos is touched by her humility and desire to make things right. His heart toward her is changing.

What difference would living by the truth make in our lives?

Episode 2: "You Could Drive a Person Crazy"

Mary Alice:
"Beautiful lawns, spacious homes, happy families. These are the hallmarks of suburbia. But if you look beneath the veneer of gracious living...you will see a battle raging, a battle for control. You see the combatants everywhere, engaged in their routine skirmishes...fighting fiercely to have dominion over the world around them…"

"…all the while knowing...it's a battle they will lose."

This week’s topic is on control, and our desire to control the people and circumstances in our lives. Let’s take a brief look at all of the control issues going on in this episode:

Carlos wants to control the finances exclusively.
He uses manipulation to get Gabrielle’s time.

Gabrielle wants to control her time, and not be forced to visit the jail every day.
She uses disobedience and natural consequence to get her freedom.

Carlos’s cell mate, Richie, wants to control Carlos in order to get money, which will eventually be used to control his girlfriend’s body.
He uses the threat of violence (Carlos) and the threat of absence (girlfriend) to wield his power over others.

Richie’s girlfriend wants control over her own body – she doesn’t want a boob job.
She tries to use defiance and self-will to gain acceptance for who she is.

Bree’s mother-in-law wants to control the affections of everyone around her.
She uses emotional outbursts to gain sympathy, attention and a competitive edge over Bree.

Bree wants to control her mother-in-law’s outbursts.
She uses lack of sympathy and violence to stop the madness, avoid embarrassment, and win back some attention during the grieving process.

Edie wants to control the competition with Susan.
She uses another person (Susan’s ex, Karl) to get an edge on Susan.

Mike wants control over his own destiny.
He uses sexual attraction to try to get Susan back.

Susan wants control of her own emotions.
She uses personal information Carl disclosed to her to get revenge on Edie, and uses defined boundaries to keep her relationship with Mike at arm’s length.

Tom wants control over his learning experience with the household.
He uses logical reasoning, a “system,� and stubbornness to get Lynette off his back.

Lynette wants control over the status of her household.
She uses trickery to get Tom to meet her expectations.

In life, we all have power struggles. We strive to control our environments in order to get what we want or find some measure of sanity. Look at the list above again. There are sure to be some methods or motives you can relate to. But, there are some serious questions we need to ask when we discover our own battles with control.

First, how much control is really necessary? The apostle Paul wrote in Philippians 4:12-13 “…I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.� How many of our endless gyrations to control things could be ceased by a simple relationship with Christ? He has promised to give us an inner peace that transcends understanding.

Second, how much control is really effective? We have to admit at some point that we have very little true control over the outcomes of our lives. In the Carlos/Gabrielle story, one unpredictable factor in each circumstance resulted in an ever-changing balance of power. First, Carlos had the control, then Richie, then Gabrielle, then the girlfriend, back to Richie, and eventually it ended up in Gabrielle’s hands again. Since we cannot know and anticipate every action, reaction, desire, and thought of every person around us, we cannot possibly gain true control over any situation. Why not leave that work to God? He seems to have the corner on the market when it comes to knowledge and power.

Third, what about control is really fair? Rather than looking inward for solutions, each person tried to solve their problems by controlling another person. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like being at the mercy of someone else’s agenda. However, in my sinful state, I often snare people in my own self-centered plan for survival! I dare say I would have more peace and tranquility if I focused on controlling myself and my actions first. Then, I might choose to take the high road more often. And perhaps the high road would take me some place I’d much rather be. It’s interesting to study Christ’s behavior with other people. He remained faithful to do the work of the Father, and gave others control over their own destinies. He simply provided an alternative if they wished to partake of his peace. He was a water fountain…not a tidal wave.

I’m not saying that the power struggle between people will ever go away entirely. Much like racism and war, that ugly monster will likely be with us until Christ returns. Nevertheless, we have an opportunity to make a significant impact on our own lives by doing what seems unnatural – releasing control rather than trying to take it. After all, God does a better job with our lives than we do.

Conversation Starters

Hi everyone,

I have often suggested that Christians and non-Christians begin bridging the gaps between them. What better way to engage in meaningful conversations than to talk about television and film? Rather than thumping someone over the head with a 10 lb. Bible, try talking about issues that connect us: Real life issues.

Desperate Housewives is a fantastic springboard for such conversations, but most folks don't even know where to begin. How do we get from A to B? How can we talk about the issues rather than the storyline? Hopefully this post will help you out. I'm going to be posting "Conversation Starters" for each episode. Try using them to talk with your friends, Christian and non-Christian alike. These are issues that have relevance to every one of us, and with good listening skills, we all might learn a little more about each other.

Feel free to post your conversation starters too! Maybe you have some insight into the episode that I missed. Thanks!!

Episode 11: "One More Kiss"

What different meanings could a kiss have?

Have you ever been kissed by someone whom you knew had bad intentions toward you?

If you knew that the kiss you were about to receive would be a kiss of betrayal, how would you respond?

When Judas kissed Jesus, he was sentencing him to torture and crucifixion. And yet, Jesus died for everyone, including Judas. Could you forgive someone who did that to you?

What do you think was different about Christ that enabled him to be able to forgive on that level?

Episode 10: "Coming Home"

Mary Alice talks about the Prodigal Son returning home, do you know that story?

Do you think the prodigal son returned home for any reason other than that he was starving to death and totally humiliated? What does that say about the human condition?

If we only seek God for the things he has to offer us, what happens to our faith when God allows a trial to enter our lives? Does God want more for us than to give us good things?

A Christian would say that they are not religious because a religion isn't the same as a relationship, and Christianity is about relationship with God. According to the Prodigal Son parable, would this statement be true?


Episode 7: "Color and Light"

What is your favorite picture? What do you love about it?

Tell me the story about your favorite photo or home video.

Which film has had the greatest impact on your life to date? (Not which one did you like the most, but which one has permanently changed your world view?)

Photos, film, and stories are a universal language. Are there any stories in your life or stories you have heard that you've found compelling?

What's your favorite story to tell?

Are there any stories in the Bible that have had an impact on your growth as a human being?

Have you noticed any common topics or themes that run throughout the Bible?

If you had to summarize the message of the entire Bible (as you might a movie), what would it be?


Episode 6: "I Wish I Could Forget You"

Did you ever dream of the perfect wedding as a little girl? Did you get it?

If you're married, what is your marriage like now - is it all you hoped it would be? If you're not married, what do you think your marriage will be like if you do get married?

Did you know that the Bible refers to Christ as the Bridegroom, and those who believe in him as the Bride?

What do you think that says about the kind of relationship God wants to have with us?

Do you think Christ can do a better job with our hearts and lives than our spouses can?


Episode 4: "My Heart Belongs to Daddy"

What do you think makes a good parent?

Why do you think that the Bible refers to God by this name, "God the Father" ?

If you had to pick any three things about your parents that you thought they did well, what would they be?

Of those three things, do you think God also has those characteristics?

Episode 3: "You'll Never Get Away from Me"

What was the worst lie you ever told? What was the worst way someone lied to or deceived you?

Have you ever believed something you thought was true, but it turned out to be false? How did it affect your life?

Do you think the Bible is actually true, or is it just another way that religious fanatics try to control people?

Do you think Jesus was a real person, or is he another deception that people entertain to justify their religious beliefs?

If you don't believe that Jesus was real or that he died for our sins, what difference would it make in your life if it turned out to be true?


Episode 2: "You Could Drive a Person Crazy"

This episode was about control, and women's desire to control the circumstances in their lives. What person or situation would you like most to have control over right now?

If you had complete control, what would you do with it?

Do you think that there are things God is controlling in your life in order to keep you safe?

Season Premiere: "Next"

Mary Alice said in her opening lines, "It was at that moment it occurred to Ida, God may work in mysterious ways, but he isn't particularly subtle." Have you ever experienced an incident in life where God was less than subtle?

When Bree sat waiting to tell her friends about Rex's death, Mary Alice commented, "And life, as it tends to do, would go on." What was the hardest thing you ever had to get past in life? How did you get past it?